The reasons I should receive one for free are, in no particular order and including but not limited to: 

 - there are no real alleys in which to lurk around here — and no one willing to risk the public indecency charges, either

 - I’m probably going to die alone (except for the ten cats I’ll have collected), so I might as well have the porn collection to match

 - only one gay bar here, and no clubs… Plus I’m related to someone who works there, so I couldn’t sneak around/lurk in the corner

 - I live in a red state, and people in red states watch the most online porn — I need to help contribute to the status quo

 - and in light of the above, watching bi/gay porn will not only help in that regard, it’s definitely something the republicans wouldn’t approve of — and who doesn’t like twitting republicans?

 - I’m too shy to go round to my neighbors and ask them if they’re interested in exhibitionism and multiple partners of the same gender

 - flash photography does light one’s subjects beautifully… But it also gives away one’s position if one is lurking in shadows (or alleys), which of course I’m not doing

 - personal experience only takes one so far, and I’m not in a relationship at the moment

 - as a writer, it’s important to expose myself to a variety of expressions, movements, sounds, and positions in order to make sure my characters don’t end up putting a hand (or a leg, or a tongue, or whatever) somewhere it physically cannot go (c.f. “personal experience…”)

 - because if I don’t have porn/tumblr/twitter to distract me, what else am I supposed to do, write? Clean my room? Can’t have that… 

I laughed rather loudly at the caption for the left-hand picture. *Snicker* ‘Cause my brain has just gotten dirtier since I’ve been online. (Also, I’ve gotten deeply spoiled by being able to look up whatever information I’m wondering about — that’s why I picked a phone that could go online.)